Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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