She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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