Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
