I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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