i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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