the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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