That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
