I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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