There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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