If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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