On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
