she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am naked and annoyed.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
