I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
