"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
