i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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