I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This baby is an asshole
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
