i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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