I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
