john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
