Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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