on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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