Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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