If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
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I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
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Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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