this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
