Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
