I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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