If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
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By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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