He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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