You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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