Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
