i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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