I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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