if i can run in heels then i can drive
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
