Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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