Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
