I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
