i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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