Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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