I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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