I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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