mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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