so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
