you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
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I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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