If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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