News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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