im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
