I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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