we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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