When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
