i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
