STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
