i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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