I just saw a hot homeless man
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
