I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am available for nakedness
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
