Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
